Questions have always been on my mind and never answered to my satisfaction. The desire was always present, the longing to accept and believe. In fact, it was very strong. I always felt that something was missing, some integral part, since I did not feel like others did about faith. I could not understand why I had such a hard time with the whole religion thing. I never understood how something could be fully believed when proof to the contrary was right in front of the eyes. Blind faith over intellectual reasoning seems non-negotiable.
The questions constantly plagued me; some even silly. If there is a heaven, would't it be overcrowded by now? What about all of those babies and people born of other religions, besides Christianity, do they go to hell? Does anyone, who is sane, actually believe in purgatory? Why, if religion is good, do so many people die in the name of religion? Why can't women be priests? Why can't priests marry? It seems obvious to everyone but Catholics that something is wrong with the priest system since there are so many child molesters in the priest system. What is wrong with birth control? Isn't birth control better than unwanted babies? The Catholic Church or any other form of religion opposing birth control seems to say...we are opposed to using common sense. Why is there so much resentment toward the Jews? Jesus was Jewish. How can "God's plan" include my son getting Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia? What kind of a plan is that? Nothing I want any part of. Could religion just be a way of dealing with some type of loss or suffering? Can't you just say a prayer whereever or whenever, why does it need to be in church on a Sunday? Does God listen better on Sundays? Why do some people just assume that only the best people go to church every week? I found a perfect response to that one in a book called What's The Difference by Fritz Ridenour. It said, "Going to church on a regular basis no more makes you a Christian than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."
On a search for answers was where I decided to go. I tried church many times, even taught a little Sunday School. Church seemed to serve a purpose for many, a bond with others who think the same regarding religion, at least. I never actually felt good about going; I was more concerned with the yard work that I could be getting done during the service. My husband's family church is Episcopalian, so communion was every Sunday. Whenever, I take communion, my main concern is getting back to my seat before someone notices my limp. It was clear to me that I was not feeling like I should about church. What was wrong with me, that church was not as fulfilling to me as it was for others? I never got past the point of going because that was what I should do instead of what I wanted to do.
I just never really understood why I should be in church Sundays mornings as opposed to anywhere else. Is that going to make me a better person?
It seems that many of the people who make it a point of being church goers were not such Good Samaritans the other six days of the week. Does one day, out of seven make up for the other six? Do some people really think that it is justifiable to sin if you go to church and ask for forgiveness? I always thought it was the other way around; we all sin, some more than others...you pray for forgiveness and try to correct the behavior. Not attend church once a week so you can sin all you want
Jackie Wellman
www.jackiewellman.com